Wednesday, 12 June 2013
I was really heartbroken about my last attempt not working and I honestly thought it must be that there was a problem with implantation but after going back to see the doctor she told me that it was the quality of my eggs that was the problem! Well that was a massive blow. Thats really was like telling me to forget it you have no chance, you're too old and way past it, I was really upset by what she was saying and tried to understand it but struggled with the facts to be honest. The doctor has suggested that I could give it another go if I wanted but that after that she realy didn't think it was worth it. I feel like that is a real sentence, that the next time is my very last go then forget it. If money was no object I'd just keep going and going because after all it's got to work at some point hasn't it? But here she is telling me that really the chances are that it wont!
I've decided to have another go (I know I'll just keep trying and trying) and see what happens and then go from there but I guess the reality is that I have to think properly about egg donation. In the meantime though I just need to wait until my next period.
Saturday, 8 June 2013
I had a really lovely time in London with my friends, we hired a Barclays Boris bike for me (they both have bikes) and we cycled everywhere. Michael is a great tour guide, pointing out places here and there. I told him and his partner about what I've been doing and why and they were very supportive, it was just really nice to get it off my chest to be honest. It's not a massive secret and if I do conceive then of course it wont be a secret but the thing is it may not even happen so the few people as possible that know the few people as possible that I have to tell it hasn't worked!
It was great mentally to have a break away, I think if I'd have stayed at home I would have got really down about everything. I am down, don't get me wrong but coming up to London has allowed me to relax a bit and see what else there is in the world. Thank you Michael, I really needed it. :-)
Monday, 3 June 2013
After yesterday I wasn't sure I'd feel so good today but surprisingly after a good nights sleep I feel as good as I can do I think. I did another pregnancy test this morning just in case.......still negative though. :-((
Although I don't feel quite so sad and desperate as I did yesterday I still feel a little hopeless and I'm just so scared that this is never going to work for me and that I'm never going to have the chance to have a child of my own. That scars the hell out of me, it really does.
This afternoon dad and I went down to the allotment again to do a few bits and pieces, as I've said before this is good for me really, I enjoy doing the allotment and it keeps me nice and busy, it's a solitary thing really apart from with dad but that's still fine it keeps me busy and that's the main thing.
Tomorrow I'm off to London for a couple of days to see a friend, I'm really looking forward to that too and again it'll be another chance to take my mind of off everything else that's going on. I've also made another appointment at the clinic for a follow up and to see what happens now, that's next Wednesday.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
I knew it was going to be a negative test, I just knew it. :-( But it doesn't make it any easier.
I've had no symptoms other than what I've already mentioned and that hasn't been a lot and really I just haven't felt pregnant, not that I know what that's like anyway.
I'm so upset, I got out of bed to do the test then got straight back into bed and just cried. It really is a desperately sad moment each time there's a negative, I just have no idea whether this is ever going to work, if I could see into the future and see if this could ever happen then I'd feel better I'm sure, but that's just not possible and I live in the never knowing. I just so desperately want this to happen and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can provide a safe and loving home for a child, it may not be the richest home but it will be the most loving.
In the meantime though it hasn't worked for me again and I'm absolutely devastated. I spoke to my aunt and got very woe is me and depressive and upset on the phone. I know that's a very dangerous road to take and I know without a doubt that I have to keep sane here, I have to keep myself from going insane and really loosing it after each let down but it is hard, very very hard. It's very hard to put into words how I'm feeling right now, I feel complete loss for what could have been and I feel sad, desperate and depressed, this is such a tough journey and I thought this time I had a real chance.
I let everyone know via text and email and phone call then set about getting myself together to head off to the allotment again. Anything to keep me busy. I'm really not in the mood for anyone saying anything stupid or doing annoying to me today so be warned!
After months and months of next doors dog barking and howling all day I finally got really pissed off this morning when it started at 7am, and went round to speak to them just to be faced with a barrage of aggression from my neighbours mother!! Really don't mess with me today, not today of all days!! I gave as good as I got and hopefully made her feel really stupid after asking her several times to not be so aggressive. Bloody stupid dog!
Down at the allotment there's the usual suspects and I really don't have a lot of time for anyone today but I'm trying, just don't say anything stupid to me and we'll be just fine.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
Today we had a car show. I did a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative but I'm still hopeful that this cycle may have worked I mean it's still a couple of days before I'm actually supposed to do the test although if I'm totally honest I don't think it has worked again.
The car show was nice as usual. The weather was nice and very hot when the sun was out. Again there were a few people there we knew and do you know what, I really am fed up with people asking me about my job, 'been anyway nice recently', that's all they ever ask and it really is getting very boring now, especially after 17 years!! I'm not a major fan of my job anymore and I'd love to leave but to do what?? Anything, at least then they'd stop asking the stupid questions.
Sadly I don't think that's an option right now and for now I have to keep flying!
I sound really narky at the moment don't I? I'm not usually, usually I'm very calm but with all this that's going on I'm feeling stressed and I really just have energy for the IVF at the moment, that's all and nothing more.