Addressing the issue

I know I need to really address the issue of feeling better about myself and about things and I know that sounds really dramatic but at times I don't feel as happy as I know I can and I know that to be able to bring a baby into the world you need to ideally be at peace with yourself. So that's my aim, to get my self back to normal again. :-)

I took a pretty tough hit when I broke up with my last boyfriend and I'm still trying to get over it to be fair. It's getting a bit ridiculous though by any standard, time is passing fast and I'm sadly not moving on very well. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, not for one single second. He was a compulsive liar and most definitely not the man I thought he was but unfortunately I fell in love with the man I thought he was and that's what I can't seem to get over. It doesn't help when every now and then he contacts me with useless rubbish, the latest was about a CD and did I want it. I've not spoken to him in 18 months and in that time I've called him every name under the sun in text and email yet still he doesn't give up, very odd! Someone without all the information might think that he was still in love with me and me with him and that may well be the case to be honest, I'm not sure we'll ever really know as everything he says is an outright lie. I think he regrets what happened between us and again if I'm honest I'm glad about that too. I know that probably sounds really harsh doesn't it? And I guess it is, but I lived through it all and it near on destroyed me. All through what should have been a healing time he was running around after other girls and as soon as I was getting myself back on track he came running back. Sadly though for me, by then, it was way too late and yes that makes me sad but I can never go back to him, too much has happened for that to ever happen. :-(

So that's how I find myself where I am now I suppose. Sadly since our break up I've not met anyone I want to spend any time with, actually that's not entirely true. I met a very lovely Scottish guy last year who was here working for a week and we had a lovely little fling but I think he had a girlfriend back home, despite saying otherwise, and wasn't really interested in exploring the possibility of seeing each other more. But apart from him there's been no one, not a single person I've looked at and thought mmmm. So now at 40 I find myself going though the very emotionally trying procedure of IVF alone and I know without a shadow of a doubt its a very tough journey I'm undertaking. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.......right???