Trying to stay calm and collected

It really is a bit of a battle trying to stay calm and positive at times but I really am doing the best I can.

Today was another day at the allotment, it's good for my sanity.....I hope. I think the potatoes are nearly ready which is very exciting and I don't think it'll be long before the onions and garlic are ready. All very exciting really.

Tonight I'm out watching an ABBA tribute band which should be great fun and will make a change as I haven't been out anywhere in quite a while. It's so annoying really, I spend all this time off work and actually do not a lot!

Either way I'm back to work next week, I don't want to go and I'm certainly not looking forward to it but until I can find something else to pay the bills then I've got o do it. It does always amaze me though, I have all these plans for when I'm off of all the things I'm going to do and all the things I'm going to sort out and once again I don't actually seem to have done many of them. Some of them yes, but not all of them. I have leave coming up as well next month and I have absolutely no plans in place at the moment, I'd love to go to Scotland for some walking but with what money and with whom?? I'll have a think about it.

Another day of no symptoms or maybe there was!

Well as the title says, another day of no symptoms or maybe there was and maybe I'm missing them or putting them down as something else.
My uncle visited today and as I was just sitting in the house doing nothing just chatting I felt a little dizzy and lightheaded which apparently could be a sign and before he arrived I felt a little dizzy upstairs and lost my balance a little. Is this in fact a sign or is this just me? Oh I don't know.
I had a couple of very small stomach twinges and a little more discharge today but other than that not a great deal going on. 
The evidence does say that only from tomorrow does the hormone that's produced in pregnancy begin to enter the blood stream but I'm still going to do a test in the morning I think.
This really is a hard wait.

No embryos in the freezer :-(

I did a test this morning when I got up and it's definitely negative so the trigger shot has definitely left my body now. Now I just need another positive pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssseeee!! :-)))

The clinic didn't call last night so first thing this morning I called them again and actually got someone rather than an answer machine which makes a change. They did apologise for not calling me Saturday or yesterday to let me know the details but the end result is that unfortunately they were not able to freeze either of my remaining embryos. It's a huge disappointment I can't deny it, I was really hoping that I'd get another chance at this if this chance doesn't work but sadly not.  :-(

But on the up side, the embryologist told me that one of the embryos did actually reach blastocyst which is where they want them to reach but that sadly it just wasn't good enough to freeze and the other one reached one stage below blastocyst so that's good news and of course the hope is that the two better quality embryos that were transferred would have definitely reached blastocyst as the better place is in my body apparently so the hope is that they also implant ok. I really do have everything crossed at the moment.

I've had mild twinges today in my lower tummy and I had some white discharge again but apart from that I can't say there's been any symptoms at all. Of course I'm trying not to read too much on the internet but it does seem that other people have had some symptoms by now, a bit of sickness or changes in their boobs. I'm really trying to stay positive but it is hard. I still  think there's every chance this can work, I mean why wouldn't it? Good embryos, good conditions, what can possibly go wrong?? I just wish I was feeling something or wish I had some kind of insight into the future to see if this will ever work for me. I wish I had a crystal ball!!

A little nauseous!

Ok perhaps I'm reading things in to everything now, I don't know.
The last couple of nights have been disturbed sleep for me I've been very hot at night and waking up several times, it could well be all of the procedure on my mind not helping or it could be something else, something better!
This morning though I woke up and after I got moving a bit started to feel a bit sicky. Not a lot but a little bit and although it has subsided a bit during the day it does keep coming back. I'm really struggling food wise to know what I want to eat from one day to the next and the sicky feeling doesn't help at the moment. I don't know why, I'm just finding I have no enthusiasm for food at the moment at all. I attempted a quiche yesterday but it just really wasn't as good as I thought it would have been and then I worried that I hadn't cooked it properly. I've really got to do better with food, I'm supposed to have protein every day but I'm just not liking meat really at the moment, of course if someone was to cook me a gorgeous roast chicken dinner I wouldn't turn it down! No hope of that then. Ha ha!!

On another note, the clinic was supposed to let me know on Saturday if my other two embryos were freezable or not and they didn't, so this afternoon I called them up and left a message on the answer phone and as of 5.15 pm they haven't called me back. It's things like that that I find really annoying in life in general.  If you say you're going to let someone know something then let them know, and if they then call you up because you haven't let them know then the least you can do is call them back isn't it??

A little discharge (TMI, sorry)

It's bank holiday this weekend and today is set to be another gorgeous day. Dad and I have a car run today which should be nice in this weather. We're taking my car this time as we took dads for a car show a few weeks ago. So off we go and not too early which is always good.

The roads are crazily busy and the run takes us down through Hastings seafront, I'm not sure that was the best idea. The road was solid with traffic and we even had a slight alteration with a couple of very stupid, immature, horrible little boys in the car behind because they didn't realise it was my right of way! What I should have done was get out and told them exactly what was what but I guess it's only afterwards you ever think about these things and all the cutting things you could have said to them. ;-)

The car run was lovely, me and dad had a good time together after we'd both got over the shock of the two nasties. We stopped off at a farm shop for a coffee and then at Bodiam castle for the finish and a lunch stop which was lovely, it's a lovely spot and it was so busy with families and couples, I think I'll have to ear mark this place for when my family from America come to visit in a couple of months.
Then after we'd had lunch and a bit of a wander around we found out that we'd won! It's really finny cause we were joking about it earlier in the day as the prize is usually a bottle of wine and of course dad doesn't like wine and I'm not drinking at the moment but it turned out the prize was a packet of Twixs, in actual fact two packets of Twixs, so good all round.

We made a steady run back home and its amazing how much petrol these old cars use up cause it was only when we were nowhere near a petrol station that I realised we had almost no fuel! It's a little like the story of my life to be honest, I have a bit of a history with vehicles and running very low on fuel, never out of fuel but at times worryingly low in fuel. This time we were lucky though and managed to make it home to the first petrol station almost on fumes!

Not my car! 

Geared up with more fuel we decide to pop down to the allotment to give it another water. It's meant to rain tomorrow but seeing as the plants have only just gone in yesterday I really think they should have a good chance and a good watering. the allotments were quite busy but then it was a lovely day. We'd only gone down to water but of course the hose point was busy for a good half hour so we just chatted to some of the others and good news, I finally got a chance to say to my neighbour about a communal footpath and how he's supposed to leave a foot his side as I've left a foot my side. I've been a bit nervous about mentioning it to them as I really don't want them to think I'm being petty or silly but the thing is I've already given up a foot my side for a path and effectively lost that foot if they don't then do the same. Manwell first said he'd heard whispers about it but didn't think it actually had to happen but then his partner, Gail, who had overheard us came over and said oh yes they knew about it and would be doing it at some point. I said of course there's no rush but I just didn't know if they knew about it. Hopefully it all came across ok because the last thing you want is to fall out with your allotment neighbours isn't it? They seemed happy though and they're friendly enough which of course is nice. Lets see if it happens, I'm in absolutely no rush but if I'm honest I would like it to happen and then it's all exactly how it's meant to be. :-)

I almost forgot to write about the title of this post! Ha ha!
So we'd been sitting in the car most of the day which I'm not sure had an impact or not but I noticed some white discharge, now I know that really is way too much information but I usually only get it when I'm ovulating so immediately I got the chance I was on google and it says it could be a very early sign of pregnancy! :-)) Of course that's fantastic news, the best news ever but as well I'm not counting any chickens yet as other websites said that other women had had this but weren't then pregnant. So many websites and so much information it's really hard at times to know what's right and what's wrong and of course at the end of the day every woman is different and react differently to pregnancies but that's interesting news isn't it? I think there's a very good chance I'm going to do another test in the next couple of days. ;-)

Not much time to stand still

I'm doing my best to keep busy and take my mind off of it all at the moment. I know that's the best away forward for me, I'm not one for sitting around doing nothing and just thinking about what could or couldn't happen, that's just a disaster for me but sometimes as well it's difficult to know what to do to keep busy. I have a mountain of things I should be doing at home but it's hard to get motivated sometimes, I'm better being out and about I think.

So today I'm off for probably a full day on the allotment. Some books and websites tell you that after embryo transfer there should be at least two days of bed rest and then just take it easy after that but my clinic just said take it easy for the day or transfer and then carry on as normal after that and after popping to see my acupuncturist on Thursday she said that light gardening is ok so here I go.

I got down to the allotment by about 11.30 and made a start, it's looking to be a lovely day, nice and warm although a little windy as usual. I've got lots of weeding to do around the potatoes, there's a real sense of achievement when it's all looking nice again and weed free and the potatoes are looking amazing as is everything else actually. It's not easy work though so I don't know about light gardening although I do take it as easy as I can. Dad came down around 12 ish and we set about finishing off the bug house, it looks fantastic now and all ready for the bugs to start moving in, it even has a beautiful tiled roof, thanks dad!

                                                                My beautiful bug house

My aunt popped down about 2 and after a sit down and a chat she then gave me a hand planting the plants she'd bought me back from holiday as well as the few I still had left trying to grow at home. Now all I have at home is leeks, some eggplant and 3 tomato plants. I'm really holding out for a proper green house that I can have at the allotment which would be great for tomato plants and growing seeds next time around. Next year when the label says grow inside I'm not going to take it quite so by the book and will sow the seeds in a greenhouse instead! This year all my seeds I grew inside first and I think it was just too hot for them and they've all grown leggy and probably won't do too much to be honest, I've planted them anyway though so we'll see.

We finished off at the allotment at 7pm!! And by the time I got home I barely had the energy to get some fish and chips before a shower and bed, I was shattered and considering I hadn't actually done any digging or planting I dread to think how my aunt's feeling.

A test too early.

So talking of too early I decided to do a pregnancy test, the first of which I did the day before embryo transfer! Ha ha, that's crazy I know and completely pointless but I just wanted to see if the trigger shots really did show a positive result for a few days after and guess what?? They do! So at least that's confirmed that. It was a very faint line but a line all the same. Some women test out the trigger shot just so they know when the drug has left their body and that any pregnancy result after that would be a real one. I'll probably do that but I'm not sure I'll be that obsessed with it to be honest, after all what will be, will be right?
Although I also did another test this morning. I thought the drug would have completely left by now but it hadn't and then looking online it seems it could take a few more days yet.

Today I'm off to a Beer and Cider festival which is a bit ironic really as I neither like either and of course at the moment I'm not even drinking either but it was a new festival and a couple of friends were going so I thought it'd be nice to sit in the sun and listen to some live music. I was really hoping that they'd have some nice apple juices like other cider producers I know of but sadly not and the only alternative was coke, diet coke, lemonade or water so after I'd drunk as many lemonades as physically possible I moved back on to the water and listened to the music whilst trying to stay warm. In the sun it was beautiful but behind the clouds that kept going by it was freezing. The great British weather huh??

It was a lovely day though and topped off by the sunshine carnival at 4pm! Which the only people I'd say had any sunshine in them were the Harley Davidson riders, some of the dancers were seriously miserable, oh well you can't have it all I guess.

The day after

Today was a bit of a funny day.
I really wanted to get out and go for a walk along the seafront but it's been raining all day and not even very warm, crazy for the end of May.
Instead I sorted out a few bits at home, made banana bread for the first time and generally did not a lot. That's never a good thing for me but I wasn't feeling on top of the world so I think for one day it's ok.

I've had a few twinges in my lower stomach and been feeling a bit nauseous, my stomach is still quite swollen and bloated but guess I'm not helping it too much by eating banana bread! ;-) and I also had a tiny tiny bit of spotting but I know really it's way too early to have any symptoms but a girl can live in hope right?? :-)

The big day - embryo transf

My appointment at the clinic is at 10.50 today and I want to make sure we get there in plenty of time so dad is coming down super early and we're heading off. Thing is I forgot it's the Antique Roadshow on the seafront today and the roads are snarled. I get a very panicked call from dad as I'm having a very calming shower to say he's stuck in traffic but fortunately I think he was a little worried of being late more than anything and he was here 15 minutes later, still plenty of time for us to get there.

In the car on the way over I take my diazepan pill and hope to hope it's going to work, I've never taken anything like that before so I have no idea what it's supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel but I don't really care as long as the procedure goes ok and without a hitch.

The reason for a full bladder is so they can use an ultrasound to help them see where it's all going. When I went back to the doctor for my follow up appointment she did say then that if we had to go down the IUI road again then it would be ultrasound guided so hopefully that makes things lots easier.

As soon as I arrived I was called through to the first room I was in before and asked to change into a gown and dressing gown again. I was actually expecting to see people here that were here on Monday for their egg retrieval but it seems I 'm the only one, that's a bit odd isn't it? So then the mind starts to wander and I'm thinking if they're not in today then they must be on the 5 day transfer, but why? I don't understand a lot about it all to be honest but it seems to be a 3 or 5 day transfer and when I asked the nurse she said it depends on the development of the embryos and how many eggs are collected. If you don't get many eggs then they want to put something back and if they wait till 5 days then there may not be anything. Ok, that kinda makes sense but I also know the lady in the cubicle next to me got 6 eggs, just one more than me so I wonder why she's not back. Of course as well there's a possibility that perhaps sadly none of her eggs fertilised, I really do hope that wasn't the case. Of course that's a real worry and has been for me, in fact it's a real worry at every step. For me I wondered if they might not even get any eggs, then when they got 5 that was amazing, then there's the thought that they may not fertilise, then of course when 4 did that was fantastic again and then there was the worry again that the 4 may not survive till Thursday!! So many things going on in your mind, so many possibilities and so many what ifs.

So I don't know why I seem to be the only one there this morning, I'm just grateful that I am.
After I'd changed into the gown the nurse came and spoke to me and said there'd be a bit of a wait before I went through, that's fine but I'm just worried about getting too full a bladder and then weeing when they insert the spectrum. I don't know how long I waited but the nurse kept coming back in and I kept hearing people going back and forth in the corridor but still no more women into the waiting area.

After what turned out to be an hour, I think, the nurse popped in again and asked me if I needed the loo, she said I could let a little out and I have to say I was glad of the opportunity, I may have let out a little more than I should of but I was expecting to go back into the waiting room again so could drink more water but as I came out of the toilet the nurse was there to bring me into the theatre area.

There was just two nurses and the embryologist there, no doctors or anything and it was quite relaxed and informal. Within a couple of minutes I was on my back again with my legs in stirrups and I'd say within about 10 minutes it was all over. I wish smears could be like that.

The embryologist told me that they were transferring two embryos, one was an 8 cell and the other a 6 cell. I have to say it doesn't really mean a lot to me as I don't really understand it all but he assured me that that was very good, later when I looked it up on line it was in fact very good. Apparently 8 cell is exactly where they want an embryo at 3 days to be. Yipeee, please let this be it.

Fortunately I didn't have to have too full a bladder and they were able to see everything perfectly, one nurse was doing the ultrasound while the other inserted the spectrum and then the catheter. That all went swimmingly. Last night I did some tapping (!), I'm trying desperately to make my situation and the way I feel about some things better and I was advised to try some tapping about the procedure and it should help so I don't know if it was that or whether it was the diazepan or both, I don't know and it doesn't really matter, either way it worked. The embryologist then passed the nurse the tube with the two embryos in and they were inserted easy and quickly, they even gave me a picture from the ultrasound which was a really nice touch I thought.

As soon as it was done I was up and allowed to finish off going to the loo! Some sites and accounts I've read on the internet say you're asked to lay flat for an hour and then you've got to have 2 days of bed rest. Well that definitely wasn't the case here. I'm glad really as two days of bed rest would have been awful for me. It is a bit strange though as when I had the IUI I was told to lay still for 15 minutes but with this procedure straight away I was up and getting dressed.

Dad was waiting in the waiting room for me and apparently when he dozed off one of the receptionist asked him if he was ok, and I guess just checking he wasn't dead! Oh dear, poor dad.

We stopped off again on the way home for a sandwich and then later in the afternoon dad took me to my acupuncturist appointment and that's it, I really have done absolutely everything I possibly could. Now I just have to wait. I take a test a week Monday, the 3rd June. Wish me luck.

Tears before bedtime

I have to be honest there were tears before bedtime last night! I know it's crazy isn't it? I should be over the moon and I am, really I am, it just kinda hit home a bit how much I was on my own with it all.
I was speaking to my aunt who's away at the moment and I just got really tearful and emotional......again!
But this morning I'm back on track again and feeling ok again. :-) (ish!)

I'm going back to the clinic again on Thursday for embryo transfer which is very exciting. Although as well, I'm nervous about the procedure. Anyone reading this is probably thinking to themselves that I seem to be nervous about everything and it does sound like it doesn't it, but I'm not really I'm just not great with medical procedures.

Before my last cycle they tried to do a mock transfer to make sure they could actually do it ok and they couldn't. So I had to come back on another day to have another go, they managed it but it took a while and then for the IUI they had real difficulty again and it took about 45 minutes!! 45 minutes with my legs in stirrups and all my bits on show! Not nice. Apparently I have an 'S' bend cervix! So this time I can honestly saw I was dreading it, added to which I'm supposed to have a full bladder as well. This is for the woman who wees a ridiculous amount of times a day, actually I might make a note of just how many times a day it is I go, I know it's far more than lots of other people but then that could be all the water I'm drinking lately.
Anyway the whole procedure I'm a bit anxious about and for that they've prescribed me some diazepan to take before hand. It means my poor dad has to take me in again because I can't drive but I'm sure he doesn't mind too much and it's not like it happens frequently is it?

So I'm booked in for tomorrow morning and I'm really excited, it could be really happening couldn't it? :-))

WOW!!!!!!

WOW!!! I can't believe it. The clinic called at 10.30am to say that four of my five eggs have fertilised. I just can't believe it, that's just fantastic news it really is. Even the embryologist said it was fantastic. I'm so excited and finally a bit hopeful I think, I hope I'm not headed for a bigger fall, I've got to think positively, I really have. But that really is fantastic news, it means all isn't lost, that getting pregnant is still a viable possibility.

The weather again is pants today and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel fine and I'm excited about the news but it's still quite difficult for me to get really excited and happy about things and I do wonder why that is. I've been like that since breaking up with my ex, I feel like I can't snap out of it, what ever 'it' is! It's horrible, I really don't want to feel like this, I really don't and I'm really trying to feel better but it's hard. I lead a very lonely life so there's not really a lot of fun in my life, I don't know why my life is like it is, I really don't, over the years I've had friends but for one reason or another they've always gone by the wayside. I'm a very happy and full of life person when I'm with friends so it's not like I'm always unhappy when I'm around people but for some reason people just don't stay in my life for long! :-((  Anyway I really can't think of that right now, I have to concentrate on feeling good about life. :-)

So today dad popped in to see how I was and we popped to the allotment. I kinda think it would have been nice if he'd called last night to see how I was but I expect he thought I was sleeping, and of course I never heard from my brother, just got a short text from my aunt and a phone call from my uncle asking if I'll be about on Thursday and when will I know if I'm here or not!! You can see I'm really on my own here can't you??
After our allotment visit again dad doesn't really know what to do or say so heads off. Normally I'm totally fine with the way he and how the rest of the family are but when I'm going through something important I just kinda expect them to step up to the mark more and of course they don't. One day perhaps I'll learn.

It's a friends birthday today so I arranged to pop up to give her a card and a bottle of wine. I think in fact it was the same bottle of  wine another 'friend' gave me for my 40th! I can't imagine it's a decent one at all. I was disappointed to find that another mutual friend of ours who has moved away had been to visit and hadn't been in touch, just another example of how people don't seem to want to be in touch with me. And the bizarre thing is that this friend who visited went through IVF last year and I've been in touch with her about it all so for her to visit and not been in touch is a little bit of a blow but common practice if I'm honest. I just don't know what I do wrong. :-(( But as I said I really need to concentrate on myself now and the possibility of new life, I can't worry about what makes people behave in the way they do, I need to just concentrate on how I behave.

Egg collection

Today is the big day of egg collection and I'm excited and as I said nervous as well.
I'm nervous about the anesthetic first of all as I know I get a bit panicky when I feel I'm out of control. People feel similar when they're afraid of flying and that's uncontrollable, it's the unknown and being out of control I think. It's not like trying to fall asleep naturally, someone just puts you to sleep and it's pretty scary to be honest.

The staff at the clinic are very good and very kind. Dad took me in and waited for me throughout reading his book and snoozing!
As I said the clinic is very nice but I actually think they could have done a little better with privacy to be fair.
First I was taken into a room with three comfy chairs and curtains around them all, there was another lady in there behind the curtain and I was asked to undress and put on the classic hospital robe and dressing gown, all very nice and clean and official. But it was still a little strange being in the same room as someone else especially when I was being asked questions about name, age, weight, allergies etc. I kinda think a little privacy would have been nice but I guess at the end of the day we're all in the same boat aren't we?

The staff are very nice and each time one of them came to speak to me I found myself feeling a bit more panicky and stupid and tearful, it's silly really but I think I'm supposed to be keeping it together and being an adult about it all and I just feel like a child! :-( I got a bit teary when the anesthetist came and spoke to me and again when I had to go through and again that's a little strange in set up. You're in a gown and dressing gown and you have to come out of this room where down a long ish corridor you're actually in full view of half of the waiting room. I've been in the waiting room before and seen someone walking into that room and at the time I thought it was a bit odd. What they should have done was have a door on the other wall straight opposite the tratment room and then you wouldn't have to walk in full view of people but hey I didn't design the building.

In the treatment room I passed another couple of comfy chairs with curtains around and a bed with a curtain around it obviously with people in them recovering and as it's only all separated by a curtain there really is no privacy. There were two nurses I know in the treatment room which was a bit of a surprise to see them but I guess they're multi talented and doing a bit of everything. These two nurses though haven't had the pleasure of seeing my bits and pieces as they normally do my bloods, oh well I guess there's no room for embarrassment in this game!

I laid on the bed and put my legs in the stirrups and before I knew it I was starting to drift off, a very drunken feeling I've not had in a very very long time! Not unpleasant though.
Next thing I knew I was being woken up and I was back in the room I first walked through still lying on a bed. It's funny how one minute you can be completely out of it and the next they're bringing you back and you're starting to feel ok again. I think I made some reference to Michael Jackson again which is a little embarrassing. When I had my last anesthetic I woke up thinking I can see why MJ choose anesthetic as a sleeping aid, it's a complete and total uninterrupted sleep, no hassle of trying to get to sleep, just straight to sleep and that's it and I have a funny feeling that the first thing I said as I woke up today was 'I can see why Michael Jackson does it!!'. What on earth was I thinking, how embarrassing I bet they had no idea what I was even talking about, in fact I bet they've heard it all actually! The stories they must have.

I was moved to a seat after a short while and had a hot chocolate as well as a constant supply of water. I need to wee and eat before I'm allowed to go home and then after that I'm supposed to have someone with me for 24 hours but lets face it, that's not going to happen is it?? Which is fine really, I'd rather be on my own to be honest.
Of course on of my worries was that they might not even get any eggs  but fantastically they got 5 eggs!!!!! 5 eggs from my 6 follicles, that's just amazing, I was so relieved there were more tears! But WOW 5 eggs, fabulous. They're going to call me tomorrow to let me know how many fertilise.

When I was ready to go home the nurse walked me back out to the waiting room and to dad and tried to speak to him but dad being dad didn't really communicate with her which was a bit embarrassing but hey I'm used to him now it's just the way he is but to other people who don't know him, it might be a little strange. He really is doing the best he can though.

On the way home dads throwing the car around every single corner he can and it took 5 times of me asking him to slow down before he actually did. The thing is he drives an old classic car and you really do feel like you're being thrown around a lot at times. But after an anesthetic and having eggs sucked from inside I'm feeling a little delicate.

Back home I think dad couldn't wait to go home. Which again was fine with me, I'd rather be on my own. He just doesn't understand and I don't think he ever will. I mean I've just had a heavy sedation and when we get home he thinks everything's fine.
The rest of the day I spent just chilling out, we'd stopped on the way home at a cafe for a bite to eat and then Waitrose to get some food in but I actually have absolutely no idea what I fancy at the moment. I've not been eating my best the last few days which is crazy, this is the time when I should be eating my best but I just don't really fancy anything and then I don't know what I fancy. I think I really need to go through some cookery books or websites and try and get some ideas about some good food again.

Back home I have an afternoon of bad TV and hopefully a good nights sleep to see what the next day holds for me. 

A busy weekend

I've had a busy weekend which for me is good, throughout all of this procedure I've worked out that the best course of action is to stay busy either physically or mentally either way I need to keep busy to take my mind off of it all.
Saturday I spent some time at the allotment which again was good, I love it at the allotment, I love growing things and just having something to keep me going. Then on Sunday we had a day out to Chatham Historic Dockyard which was very interesting, there was a coach load of us that went and in the end it was a really lovely sunny day, definitely the best thing for me the day before egg collection.

Last scan of the week

Today is my last appointment and scan before the weekend and the last one before, hopefully, egg collection on Monday. At each appointment I of course always wonder, a panic a little, about how it's going to be and whether things are going to have grown ok or not, I think this is what everyone means by an emotional rollercoaster, it really is. Every step of the way you really never know whats going to happen, if your follicles grow, if they don't, if you have any eggs, if you don't, if they fertilise and if they don't! It just goes on and on, its a tough journey for anyone.

Good news today, I now have 2 follicles @ 20mm, 1 @ 17mm, 1 @ 16mm and 2 @14mm with my lining at 8.9mm which is all really fantastic news. So between 4 and 6 follicles that will be mature enough by Monday. They've advised that egg collection is going to be Monday although I still need to wait for a phone call this evening to make sure and to let me know what time to take the trigger shots, but great news. :-)

The phone call came this evening and it's all systems go! YAY!!
I need to take my two trigger shots on Saturday evening and then no injections at all on Sunday. Monday morning I need to be at the clinic by 10 am for my egg collection scheduled for 10.30 am. I am nervous, I'm nervous about a lot of things. The anesthetic, will there be any eggs, will they fertilise, will I wake up during the procedure? So many concerns and questions and the little difference doing it on your own is that you just have yourself to go over all of this with, there's no oneto talk it all over with, no one to voice your concerns with. Sometimes though I actually wonder if that's a good thing and whether it's actually easier on your own! At least you then don't have another person with their fears and worries as well causing you more worry!

Anyway it is what it is and this is now the way of my life I guess.

Appointment two

It's my second scan appointment today and I've been hoping against hope that it's going to be good again and that more follicles will have grown. This is just one part of the journey and it really is an emotional roller coaster. I just feel at time that I'm completely on my own with everything, normally people going through this have a partner by their side so for every up ad every down there's always someone to hold your hand and keep you in check, reassure you and comfort you but I don't have that and that I miss. I'm scared at times that I'm not going to be able to hold it all together that the disappointments and the pain will be too much to bare and that really scares me. I've made this choice though and its a journey I'm prepared to take, pitfalls and all!

This morning although there's no real disappointment I think it could have been a little bit better. My follicles have grown a little again and my womb lining is now 8.7mm which is fantastic..........apparently. ;-) On my right side I now have 2 follicles at 16mm, 1 at 13mm and on my lest side I have 2 at 10/11mm so they've all grown between 2 and 4mm each but only 5 in total, the others haven't really done much. My oestrogen level was a massive 2167 or thereabouts, which again was fantastic. It was 900 last time so a massive difference which is great news, so all in all good news again, so much better than last time.

My smaller follicles just really need to grow some more otherwise they could be looking at IUI again and I just really want a chance at egg collection, I really want a chance to make this happen. So lots of growing thoughts for the next couple of days and to get it all working and the blood flowing I went for a lovely walk along the seafront. 

Addressing the issue

I know I need to really address the issue of feeling better about myself and about things and I know that sounds really dramatic but at times I don't feel as happy as I know I can and I know that to be able to bring a baby into the world you need to ideally be at peace with yourself. So that's my aim, to get my self back to normal again. :-)

I took a pretty tough hit when I broke up with my last boyfriend and I'm still trying to get over it to be fair. It's getting a bit ridiculous though by any standard, time is passing fast and I'm sadly not moving on very well. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, not for one single second. He was a compulsive liar and most definitely not the man I thought he was but unfortunately I fell in love with the man I thought he was and that's what I can't seem to get over. It doesn't help when every now and then he contacts me with useless rubbish, the latest was about a CD and did I want it. I've not spoken to him in 18 months and in that time I've called him every name under the sun in text and email yet still he doesn't give up, very odd! Someone without all the information might think that he was still in love with me and me with him and that may well be the case to be honest, I'm not sure we'll ever really know as everything he says is an outright lie. I think he regrets what happened between us and again if I'm honest I'm glad about that too. I know that probably sounds really harsh doesn't it? And I guess it is, but I lived through it all and it near on destroyed me. All through what should have been a healing time he was running around after other girls and as soon as I was getting myself back on track he came running back. Sadly though for me, by then, it was way too late and yes that makes me sad but I can never go back to him, too much has happened for that to ever happen. :-(

So that's how I find myself where I am now I suppose. Sadly since our break up I've not met anyone I want to spend any time with, actually that's not entirely true. I met a very lovely Scottish guy last year who was here working for a week and we had a lovely little fling but I think he had a girlfriend back home, despite saying otherwise, and wasn't really interested in exploring the possibility of seeing each other more. But apart from him there's been no one, not a single person I've looked at and thought mmmm. So now at 40 I find myself going though the very emotionally trying procedure of IVF alone and I know without a shadow of a doubt its a very tough journey I'm undertaking. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.......right???

Good news

Its good news this morning and I'm really overjoyed. My womb lining has increased to 6.1mm which is more than it was at it's thickest the first time around. I think the last time the most it was was 5.7mm. And I also have more promising growing follicles. On the right I have 2 at 12mm, 1 at 10mm , 1 at 9mm and on the left I have 3 at 9mm. It really is fantastic news so far. I had a blood test as well to see what my hormones were doing and I wont get the results of that till Wednesday but so far so good. My FSH was also a little lower this time at 13.6, still not as low as it was when I went for my first ever appointment but still ok for treatment.

I have a lot of time on my own to think about things and ruminate and on the way home from the clinic it was really going through my mind each involved process that I'm hoping to go through in order to have a baby. I'm excited and encouraged about the fact that a few of my follicles have grown a little but it really is just a tiny part of a very, very long journey.
I find it hard sometimes to keep on top of everything that's happening, to keep it all in check and keep it all normal but I'm doing the very best I can. It's not easy at times though.
My next appointment is in two days time so fingers crossed they've grown a bit more by then.

Last nights band

Last nights first pub was a total disaster, the band were terrible and the pub was full of teenagers so after just a couple of drinks we got back into the car and headed off back home to a favourite local pub when they had a fantastic band playing for another couple of hours. Its a great little pub, lots of fun and always some interesting people about. It wasn't as busy as it usually is but fun all the same and I even got chatted up! Which made a nice change.

This afternoon its the car show with dad and it's blowing a gale! Its been blowing a gale here for about 2 or 3 weeks now and everyone's getting pretty fed up with it all and as well my allotment is getting blown to pieces at the moment!

Tomorrow is my first scan appointment and when I find out how things are going. I'm interested as well in my FSH level this time. I've literally got everything crossed that things are better this time around.

A night out

I haven't been doing much socialising lately and I really miss it. I've come to the conclusion that I must be a bit of a loner at times and I know that when things aren't going very well in my life I tend to shut myself off a bit but I still love to be about people and be out and about and that I do miss.
My lodger and I have decided to go out this evening which really makes a nice change. We're going to check out a pub a cars drive away that are renowned for their live music and for being a bit of a bikers pub, we'll see.

In the meantime though I've got two pairs of shoes to take back in town and then a car show in the afternoon with dad.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned already but my dad and I both own classic cars, perhaps that's why I'm single! No just joking!
I had my car before dad and kinda got him into it all. As a family we've always loved old vehicles and used to go to the country and steam fairs locally and admire the old cars.
I've also always wanted a soft top car and then when mum got sick I decided that life was too short and I was going to have what I wanted. Now I wish I'd used that same philosophy a long time ago with having my own family but hey, live and learn!
So that's what I did, I bought my self a gorgeous little MG Midget which I absolutely love and in the summer it's great fun to take her out for a spin with the roof down. Classic cars are so cheap to run so after a couple of years of me having my car dad decided to treat himself and bought a very flashy MG TF, another beautiful car. It wasn't that long after that, that he decided to get another car, this time a Riley to use as his regular car. It's funny though, everyone thinks I'm in to old cars because my dad is when actually it's a little the other way around. ;-)

A day of enjoyment

Today I'm taking a day off of the allotment and everything else hard work and my aunt is coming over and we're going to go curtain shopping for my shed! Crazy I know but I love my shed so much and it's brand new so I want it to look lovely and girly! :-)

We had a very enjoyable day and even managed to get some material. :-) We went to a local farm shop for lunch which was nice and bought some 'happy' sausages for another nights meal. I'm struggling a bit with food at the moment, I'm fine with all the vegetables but I struggle when it comes to protein  I need to have protein with every meal and I'm really not, I need a total diet rethink I think.

I also decided that I was going to change my curtains in my lounge and diner, they've been up for ever and I think they're a bit dated now, so it's time for something new and something fresh I think, as to what though I have absolutely no idea. 

Oh decisions decisions!

Day two

I called the drug company this morning and they couldn't have been more helpful I mean really they were sooooo nice and helpful and there were on the phone for over 15 minutes helping me out and talking me through it. Of course I was doing it wrong. I had watched the DVD but then I had read a leaflet that came with it and it seemed to contradict each other and the end result was loads of glass everywhere. Fortunately though I'm now sorted for tonight.

Some people on forums say that the Merional stings when it goes in and is a thicker liquid and I have to say I think I agree with them, it's not too bad really but it's definitely more painful injecting it than the Menopur was to inject and it takes longer to inject the Merional, I think because it's thicker and it has to go through such a tiny needle.

So far so good though. I go back again on Monday to the clinic to see what's happening and I just hope that this time I have a better response to the drugs.

I'm trying to do more exercise and generally just do more. I'm going for a nice long walk down the seafront as often as I can and I'm down at my allotment when it's not raining and this time around I'm determined to make better use of the time and have already started sorting out all the things in my loft that have needed sorting for years!! Anything to keep me busy is a good thing I think.

Start date

The day has come and I'm nervous and tearful and really apprehensive.
I know I keep saying it but I so want this all to work it's so hard thinking about the possibility that it may not, that I go to all this effort and have the desire and want and need for it all to not happen. :-(

My appointment is in the morning today and as I head over to the clinic I'm doing my best to think positively.
Thankfully my scan revealed that the womb lining was thin which was a good sign on day two of my period and it also showed 2 follicles on one side and about 4 on the other, so not loads but about the same as before, I just need them to grow now.
I had a blood test as well and just had to wait until 5.30pm this evening to see if the results from that were ok.
No phone call came this time so I'm good to go.
I called up all the family to tell them and for some reason I'm just really tearful and emotional. I am excited to be starting again but I think it's just the what ifs again, what if it doesn't work again. Really got to stop thinking that.

I'm on a different drug as well as being on the Buserilin again at .5ml. The Merional, which is the FSH drug, comes in different vial sizes and I've got to mix them up each time I use it. They even give you a DVD at the clinic to show you how to do it all, it doesn't look that bad but somehow I managed to mess up taking the top of the water vial and there was glass everywhere! Bloody hell, I'm sure that's not supposed to happen, thing is it's 7pm at night now and there's no-one around to call so I just hope for the best and inject it anyway. I'm going off the clinic a bit and some of the nurses there so I can't call them but in the morning I'll give the drug company a call and see where I'm going wrong.

First of many injections done, work called and sorted out for the next 4 ish weeks now all I need to do is chill out and rest.

What ifs

I'm really excited to be starting again but of course at the same time I'm apprehensive. What happens if it doesn't work this time, what then, what's the next step??
My sperm donor doesn't have any more available samples at the moments so again what happens if this doesn't work and I try again? What then?

There's so many variables and so many what ifs, it's so hard to stay on top of it all at times and keep myself on track whilst making sure I don't spiral and freak out by it all. It's certainly a tough journey I'm taking here.

My brother and sister in law have been in touch a fair bit which has made a change and has been nice, they're both rooting for me. At times I wonder if they just want me to experience how hard it can all be, but really I'm sure it's not that, I know they really want this for me, all my family do which is great. Their support really doesn mean a lot to me, it also means though that any news or text results I do have to ring round everyone! All of a sudden my private life isn't at all very private!

So now just the wait to start.
In the meantime I'm working quite a lot and trying to keep myself as busy as I can, I think last time I spent a lot of time doing nothing......and that's never good. I have an allotment that needs keeping up and if the sun ever shines here I have a lovely promenade to wander down.