Birthday week

This week it's my 40th birthday and I know it's usually a big celebration for people and and a big milestone but I'm just not in the mood for socialising at the moment to be honest.

Over the last couple of years I've really withdrawn from life, I know I have and I know it's not particularity good for me but 18 months ago I went through a very upsetting relationship breakup which I know is still having an impact on me. One thing that's a problem for me is that it was with someone I work with, so everyone knew about our relationship, knew about us breaking up and now knows all about what he's been up to ever since and for me I just find that humiliating.

It doesn't help that he lied to me throughout our relationship of course and now I find it almost impossible to trust someone or even believe what someone says to me but I'd never take him back, despite the fact he spent the whole year after we'd broken up trying to get me back. I know the drama of our relationship at such a sensitive time in my life has had a terrible effect on me and to be fair the thought of attempting another relationship anytime relatively soon just fills me with dread. I guess this is one of the main reasons I've found myself where I am now, that and the fact I'm now 40.

I know every relationship breakup is horrible for people but I think for me it was the timing. During our relationship he promised me the world, like they all do, he wanted to marry me, travel with me and have a family with me yet it turned out in the end that this was never what he wanted at all and it all just came at completely the wrong time for me, it came at a time when I thought I could have this so called fairytale everyone talks about, I thought I could have it all. It seems I was right and I couldn't have it all after all, it seems that journey was never to be mine. It's not the loss of him and our relationship that hurts me so much it's the fact that I desperately wanted a chance to have a family and bring new life into the world and the end of our relationship meant that wasn't now going to happen in the way I once thought it would.
For a while after we broke up I was convinced that as there was no going back with him that I would move on relatively easy and find someone else to have this journey with but 18 months later that still hasn't happened and I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me sad but now the time has come to pursue my dreams, for now, alone and what will be will be.

So 40! Where did that time go?! I certainly don't feel my age and I'd like to say I don't look my age but it'd be a little odd for me to presume so. ;-) So as I said I'm sadly not really in the mood for celebrating and again I find that a little sad as everyone expects you to want to have the big party, and part of me feels I should but over the last 18 months shutting myself away from the world seems to work as now I really don't see anyone, having a lodger saves me from insanity but apart from her I don't really see anyone from one week to another which is a shame but again it's just the way things are so there's nobody to actually invite to a party! :-(

So no big party or big celebration just dinner the might before my birthday with a couple of friends and then out with my family on my actual birthday. As it's my birthday and it is the big one I treated myself to two glasses of wine each night and I really enjoyed them but to be honest I didn't fancy anymore and as of the morning after my birthday I was back to no alcohol.

Now for the rest of my life......perhaps life really does begin at 40! :-))