Friday, 21 December 2012
Telling my family really couldn't have gone any better, they were pleased and excited and most of all completely behind me. Although I'm almost 40 I still feel like a little girl at times around them and I really wanted their approval and support for this next journey in my life and that's exactly what I got.
People I told........
My uncle at times can say things that he really doesn't mean but just which come out in the wrong way and of course once it's said it's said. I thought he might make some comment about me not being married and going it alone, I always thought he was very traditional that way but as soon as I told him he was positive and supportive. It was the same response with my dad, sadly I lost my mum 8 and a half years ago, I wondered what his response would be but again he was interested and supportive and positive about the outcome, either way. Even saying that mum would have been excited and supportive to me as well. It was such a relief to have told them and get it out in the open. Telling my aunt wasn't as difficult as I'd already mentioned that I was thinking about it but I'm not sure of her response really, I think she's spent so many years as a social worker she's very cautious about what she says and how she says it that sometimes she doesn't say anything much at all. My brother was very easy to tell as well, he lives in California with the perfect wife and perfect kids so has no real idea where I'm coming from to be fair but at least he tries.....at times.
So now as far as I'm concerned it's full speed ahead but first there's Christmas and New Year to survive.
Thursday, 20 December 2012
So after a lovely 4 weeks away in Central America hiking, eating and drinking I arrived back home and ready for my first consultant appointment. I'm nervous before I go in and I have no idea what hes going to say, part of me has convinced myself it's not going to be good news but another part is hoping for the best.
If I'm completely honest I'd have to say I don't know a great deal about the human body, how it works and the ins and outs of fertility and I hadn't done much reading prior to my appointment (as didn;t want to scare myself) so when he started talking about AMH levels and antral follicle count I had no real idea what he was talking about. The consultant explained it as best he could and went on to tell me that I had an AMH level of 0.57 pmol/l. which is very very, very low. :-( I knew it wasn't going to be great news but I suppose a little part of me was still optimistic. He then suggested doing a scan to see how many antral follicles I had which with both pieces of information would give him a better idea of my potential fertility success.
Now that was a new one on me an internal scan. I didn't realise they even existed and in fact it appeared little more than a probe covered in a condom with lots of lubrication but it does the trick and from that he was able to see that I had about 3 to 4 follicles on one side and 6 to 8 on the other, again not great news, but at least I had some, and from this he told me that even with the maximum drugs I only had a 4-5% success rate with IVF.
Wow that was a massive blow I can tell you. I honestly never thought the news would be that bad, if I had of known this was possible I definitely would have done things differently a very long time ago, I would have made this decision or come to this conclusion a lot earlier than I have.
But right there and then I made the massive decision that this is what I was going to do, in that one instant my life changed forever and I knew that from then on I was going to do everything I could to have a family of my own.
Now I just had to tell the family as one way or another I need them all to be right behind me.
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
I'm very lucky with my job I can normally take six weeks off for a long holiday to go backpacking around some far flung exotic location, but just recently I've been wondering if this is really what I want to be doing anymore, I know I have a lot on my mind at the mo with baby thoughts but even so.
I've always gone on my big holidays on my own apart from one time 'the boyfriend of the time' came along for two weeks, but other than that I've always gone on my own. The thing is before I started to travel alone I'd waited a lifetime to meet the man of my dreams that liked to travel as much as I did but that just never happened so instead of going nowhere I decided to go it alone and have continued to do so ever since.
Over the years people have always said how much they've envied me going off and doing my own thing and seeing the world and how brave I am, but you know I can't stand that word. I'm not brave at all its just simply a case of either going it alone or not going at all and I know what I'd rather do. But it has been lonely at times over the years, don't get me wrong, I've had a great time, I've seen some fantastic places and I've met some really great people but even so it's still been lonely at times and now I'm just not sure I really want to do it as much anymore but we'll see what this next year holds, I have high hopes.