Wednesday, 7 November 2012

The start of my journey

So the nurse has basically told me I'm too late to try and have children but even with that in mind she's quite happy to take money off of me to do some blood tests to give more of an idea of what my body thinks of it all.

One of the many things I disagree with in this system is how you're penalised because you don't fit the norm. Any treatment I have from this moment on with regard to fertility treatment has to be paid for by me and all because there's no man in my life.

Now there may be some who agree with that and there may be some who disagree but tell me where it's right that just because I haven't found a man I can trust enough to fall in love with and let into my life during an age where infidelity and cyber sex are at an all time high that I should be penalised just because I want to bring a child into this life, to love and care for and show this unique and exciting world to. How can it possibly be right that I have to pay a minimum of £6000 per IVF treatment (if that's the route I take) just because I'm single when others in sometimes unhealthy and negative relationships that may not last get it all for free??

So what it comes down to at this appointment is that I have to pay £250 for some blood tests and book in and pay another £250 to see a consultant. I don't agree with it and I never could, I come from a time where equality is paramount and inequality is unacceptable and no matter where my journey takes me and what may happen along the way I will never think it's right that some people are treated for free and others have to pay.

But have the blood tests I did and while I waited for the results and my appointment with the consultant to come round I went on holiday!
Central America here I come.

The big decision

For one of the biggest decisions I think I'm ever going to have to make in my life I'm still amazed I came to the conclusion so easily.... so calmly and how I knew straight away, instinctively that it was the right, perfect,  decision for me.

What decision I hear you ask? Or perhaps I don't!
But it was the decision to actively try to have a child alone, on my own, without the assistance of a male partner and disappointingly without the added bonus of having sex! Of course when I say alone, I actually mean with a little bit of help from someone who can help, namely (hopefully) a fertility clinic.

So there I was, I'd finally managed to pluck up the courage to call my local fertility clinic and before I knew it I was on my way to my first appointment with a nurse to be able to discuss my options.

There's a million different reasons why I've suddenly found myself travelling down this road and no doubt I'm sure I'll go into a few of them along the way but I can honestly say although I've never been the typical broody female I've always thought that one day I'd have the opportunity to meet someone special, settle down and try to have a family. I never longed for the big white wedding or the fairy tale, I never did and still don't think that exists, but I did think that one day I would have just a small part of this so called fairy tale.

Although I had my suspicions that time was ticking by for me, friends and colleagues always reassured me that there was still plenty of time. Oh how, now, I wished I'd never listened to them! I guess I always thought I'd be able to have the complete package......the man and the baby, I was holding out for the ultimate combination. But what happens when the ultimate doesn't arrive and what happens when you know you really are running out of time just waiting for it to arrive?

So going it alone? The thing is I'm under absolutely no illusion that motherhood is easy, I know that it's the hardest job in the world, I remember all too clearly how I was as a child (!) so actually deciding to try to have a child on your own just because there's no man in your life always seemed ludicrous to me. Are you mad?!? Apparently yes!
What about all those sleepless nights when you have absolutely no-one to turn to, what about all those times when you just want 5 minutes (just 5) to yourself? You will have sole responsibility for that child every second of every day from the second it's conceived till who knows when, but most likely at least the first 40 years of so of their life! So really, who would choose that??

I have a friend that when she lived closer to me we would take strolls along the seafront, catch up and share our lives and dreams for the future. She was always very broody and couldn't wait to have children and since her long term relationship had broken up she was keen to find someone to fill the space and become a father and if that didn't happen then she was adamant she was going to use a sperm donor to realise her dream and even went as far as the first appointment. I always remember the chats we used to have......I would remind her just how hard it would be on her own and she would tell me that as long as you loved them it would all be great and plain sailing. Fast forward 3 or 4 years and she's now moved away, back together and married to her long term partner form before and after one attempt at IVF has two very busy and I'm sure very lively babies! The last time I actually spoke to her to tell her of my plans she said to me that she really had no idea how all encompassing motherhood would be and just how much time they would take up! I did try to warn you. :-)) But naturally she's ecstatic and of course has the added help of a husband now.

Back to my situation......
So there I was having a consultation with a nurse to be told that basically I had left it too late.
Great thanks for that! So ok I'm almost 40 but I don't feel it. :-( I think that's a lot of the problem these days we don't feel our age and if you're anything like me then you probably don't act your age (only when you get up off of the sofa of course!) so how can your body possible be too old for the one thing you're now so ready for?